All I Know Is all I Know

In mediation, I see this all too often. People will not (maybe cannot) move beyond their own fiercely held version of events. They see only the slights, insults, misunderstandings and more and that results with the two parties digging in even deeper and tightly clenching and leaning into their own belief system. 

It reminds me of a commencement address by David Foster Wallace in which he tells this anecdote: There are these two young fish swimming along and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says “Mornin’ boys. How’s the water?” And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and eventually one of them looks over and says, “What the hell is water?”

His point is that the water in which we swim, our environment (toxic or not), our beliefs (considered or blindly accepted), our worldview (cynical or hopeful) is a determinant of our lives. And it impacts all of our beliefs and actions. And we don’t even recognize it. 

In order to recognize when we’re stuck or hopelessly dug in we have to step back. It requires taking a different perspective, understanding when we are guilty of using our own self-serving bias, or if there are internalized norms that are driving us in one way or another.

Too often we don’t see anyone else’s point of view and it is dangerous to defend ourselves by believing that all I know is all I know.